i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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