bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize