i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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