If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
