I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
