Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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