I think im going to throw up on grandma
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It's never too late to be topless.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
