Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
