We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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