You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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