i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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