WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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