I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
