my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
