this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
