So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
