Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
