just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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