My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
