Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
