I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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