Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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