the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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