Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
