you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
