Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
