every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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