he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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