took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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