Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
