I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
i've created a new STD.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
