I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
