I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
