hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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