my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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