when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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