feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
