Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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