Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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