i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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