my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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