I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
