I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
