She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
