she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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