ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
