The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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