What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
