just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
