apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
