i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
