Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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