doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
