everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
