the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
