I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
