break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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