when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
