this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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