What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
