She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
