I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
