i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
